52 year old in Australia

The more I read about hypospadias, the happier I become because my parents had the wisdom to ignore the surgeons and do nothing about my hypospadias. Though it always bothered them that they may have taken the wrong decision, their decision was taken in the 1950’s when plastic surgery was in its infancy. So I was saved the pain of the surgery, and scars and uncertain results. I still have my hypospadias. I eventually told my father (my mother died when I was twenty three) that I was very happy not to have had surgery, but what really hurt was that they told me absolutely nothing about it.

I have a moderate hypospadias with the opening not far back from the base of the glans. And it all works fairly well without any pain, strictures, scar tissue or misshapen erections. My penis is not perfectly straight and it is sometimes hard to urinate in a straight line and needs a lot of control but it can be done. I got better at it as I got older and can control it fairly well so that I can urinate with accuracy and without it spraying everywhere. I also have full sexual function and never had any problem with achieving fatherhood. Frankly I have even become somewhat fond of my penis. It is different after all!

I have two children, a boy and a girl, and they are great kids, now twenty nine and twenty four years old. Oh, and my son also has hypospadias. Although it is not strictly inherited, the chances are that once one male in the family has it, about 1 in 14 of his direct male relations will also have it. Since the original condition has about a 1 in 300 rate in the male population, that makes the chances of two in the same family at about 1 in 4000 of male births.

I have checked my family tree and believe that it is likely that it has occurred in at least five other male relatives over five or six generations. Why? One person was named Charlotte at birth and mysteriously was to be married as Charles, but the marriage never happened. We have guessed that this was a severe hypospadias where he superficially looked female at birth, but became obviously male as his hormones kicked in at puberty, but then could not consummate his marriage, so it was not recorded. I also know of at least four other males who “never married” with little explanation. At least two of my close male relatives, brothers, also live together in seclusion never having married. Maybe it is all speculation, but there is enough evidence to convince me of the 1 in 14 ratio when you count me and my son in as well.

And yes, to save my son some of the embarrassment I had as a kid growing up in school, we had his hypospadias corrected. Two operations were carried out between two and three years of age, fortunately with no ill effects (he tells me). I doubt that I would have done the same thing today, but at that time, I knew nothing of the risks and he has said he was glad we did it. Fortunately, I think we went to the right place as the surgeons were paediatricians who had trained in the pre-eminent London children’s hospital (Great Ormond Street).

When I look back on the problems I had as a child, they were absolutely nothing when thinking about the pain and suffering some kids go through for a correction - which has a failure rate above 10% for many of the procedures. I have corresponded with many of those affected by failures over the last few years, and for most of the tales I hear I cannot give any advice as they are already disasters. It amazes me the fortitude of some of them, with multiple operations having been performed with (it seems) often only worse and worse results.

I sometimes hear from adults from the Middle East or India who have not been able to have anything done as youngsters, but are now thinking about it before they get married. My advice to them is always the same. If you do not have any physical difficulty with the uncorrected penis, even if it is small and/or bent and causes you embarrassment, it is still probably not worth the risks associated with a correction. But I also emphasize that the decision is that of the owner of the penis, not mine or anyone else’s.

In other words, be aware of the risks and make your own decision based on that knowledge. If you have already reached adulthood, then the worst times for embarrassment are over. What you need is an open honest relationship with a partner where you explain to them exactly what your penis is like before or when any serious relationship begins to develop. Then it will not be a shock to that person when they see your penis for the first time. In fact you can learn to enjoy the difference, and have fun exploring your capabilities together.

Of course, there will always be a proportion of women who will leave because they are too embarrassed to discuss it. That’s their problem, not yours. It is better to find that out before you commit to a marriage with the embarrassment deferred to the wedding night. I told my future wife about it very early in our relationship (after about four weeks) and although she was mildly curious, it made no difference to our relationship and we have been married for over thirty years. This was made a little easier for me because she was also a nurse and understood what it was all about. She also now says that I am obsessed with it. As she is so used to it, she cannot understand that it is still be an issue with me, even if only by discussing it on the internet or by email.

When my wife and I separated for a few years, I had a second relationship with another woman who absolutely adored my penis and found our sex life very satisfying indeed. I actually needed that relationship to prove to myself that hypospadias really was not an issue for me. Indeed, it seems that the very shape of the glans being wider than normal is good for a lover as it increases her pleasure. That is a positive you can tell your sons to look forward to, something they have that few other men have!

For adults who are thinking about getting surgical correction because they have been too embarrassed to approach women for marriage or sex, or even to have as a girl friend, I have in the past suggested that they first find out about their sexual capabilities before deciding on a correction. Often the difficulties they are afraid of are more imagined than real, so should not be a reason for surgery, except possibly in the most extreme cases of chordee where the bend is so great as to make sex either impossible or very painful.

If this applies to you, to find out about your sexual capabilities or any problems, why not have an honest approach to your prospective girlfriend or wife? Ask her to try sex with you. This is actually quite a good approach in our more enlightened age, but if that is just not possible for you, how about seeking out a sexual therapist? This would allow you to find out about your own limitations before having to discuss it with a girlfriend or before there are irreconcilable problems in marriage. I was lucky that I found someone understanding when I was twenty, and it was never an issue between us. Some of the young men I have talked to on the internet are coming up to thirty or older and are still virgins. They are too afraid of ridicule and have not tried to approach a woman for a sexual relationship. They have not had any guidance as children or through puberty and so need psychological help much more than they need surgery.

I believe that living with hypospadias need not be the end of the world, as some doctors seem to think it will be. When I try to discus this with them, they cannot believe that anyone with hypospadias wouldn’t want to have an operation! What a young boy with hypospadias needs is what I did not have: information early on about what it is, and a connection to others with the condition, so that he does not think he is the only one. So when your sons are old enough to understand, encourage them to find out about it as much as possible and talk to others with the same condition. The internet is so useful to be able to do this impersonally. This will help them to get through the difficult times whether they have surgery or not. If they talk to someone like me they will learn that they can live with it. Or, when they are old enough to understand the risks, you and they together can take decisions on whether they want to do anything about it or not. In other words, if you’re a father of a boy with hypospadias you have to talk to your son about it from day one, in the same way that you will slowly introduce him to the facts of life as soon as he can handle them. I have never felt suicidal over my hypospadias, but I have spoken to some who have certainly felt that their life was ruined and have contemplated suicide.

I remember going to an agricultural show with my father when I was fourteen or so and the men’s toilet was a screened off area with an open trough at ground level. I remember being embarrassed at having to pee into that with everyone else as I couldn’t get my urine stream to go in the right place, but I don’t know if anyone else actually noticed it or not. On the way out, however, I noticed a man in the corner and was amazed to see he also had a penis that looked exactly like mine, except of course it was much bigger. By this time I was fairly convinced I was unique (I used to take every opportunity to try to see others, in the showers at school and elsewhere, but I never saw anything like mine). So when I finally saw another one at the agricultural show, I was exultant as I knew at last that I was not the only one. Even so I was twenty one before I found out from a medical text book that I had a well known condition called hypospadias. I think that was the point when I also began to live with it and to stop worrying, which finally happened when I went to university and I lost my virginity at twenty two. I have also all my life been much more comfortable in the company of women and find it hard to make friends with men. I think this stems from both growing up with a sister and my uncomfortable days at my all boys school, where I withdrew from the bulk of my class mates and only trusted a very few of my closest friends with a close up view of my  secret . I found women to be much less judgmental and therefore easier to get on with and I could trust them more. The rest of my life has been totally uneventful as far as the hypospadias is concerned.