45 year old in the UK

My hypospadias has shaped my life. For years as a teenager and even as an adult I was intensely interested in the shape and size of other men's penises, something which stemmed directly from my desire to compare myself with "normal" men. The problem with this was that I never found anybody with whom I could compare myself, and all the sneaky looks in the changing rooms at the swimming baths - while very carefully making sure that no one could see my penis - did nothing but reinforce my sense of difference and inadequacy.

For I was born not only with a hypospadiac penis but also with a small one. This has given me two things to worry about: the size issue, that plagues so many men anyway, and also the abnormality, which in my case has been quite severe. I have the very common condition of a hooded foreskin which extends only partially over the top surface of the glans. In addition, the shaft of my penis is twisted from base to tip through about sixty degrees. This varies according to the temperature the degree of contraction and the degree of erection of my penis - when erect it is more or less straight - but again it is a constant reminder of the difference that I was born with. It may not surprise you to learn that changing in locker rooms at school was a nightmare - an ordeal which even now I look back on with horror.

It was a long time before I managed to actually enter into a sexual relationship, for the fear of being exposed to a woman’s gaze and not being seen as masculine was so great that I simply could not face it. I had an intense fear of what women would think of my masculinity and that they would reject me because of my penis. The great news is that now having experienced the love and acceptance of a woman who cares not one jot about hypospadias, I have discovered the joy of full sexual expression in a relationship with a woman that has lasted for over six years. This doesn't mean, however, that the effects of the hypospadias have been overcome. Indeed, the thin tissues around the neck of my penis, just below the glans, have proved too weak to support the structure of my penis during sexual intercourse, and a degree of twisting and narrowing of the penile shaft have developed at that point, perhaps reminiscent of Peyronie's disease. This cannot be corrected surgically, so I live with the constant reminder of difference.

For me, the main impact of hypospadias has been to reduce my self-esteem and hold me back from intimate relationships. Having said that, all in all I'm delighted with the way my adult sexual life has developed. Certainly I have a deeper understanding of myself and others through having had to travel such an emotional journey.

I'd just add a comment about the medical profession's attitude to this problem. I found them to be deeply conservative and unwilling to consider the possibility that I inherently knew something was wrong with my own body. In fact, between the ages of fourteen and thirty, three doctors told me my penis was perfectly normal, when it clearly wasn't! None of them took my problems seriously, and it wasn't until I ended up at a teaching hospital talking with a doctor who was a world leader in urethral reconstruction that I finally was told: "This [my hypospadias] is not simple!" The level of vindication - and relief - I felt when finally an expert recognized the severity of the bends and twists in my penis was huge. And then we went on to discover that my problem was due to a long standing testosterone deficiency - as far back as during foetal development. I'm now on testosterone replacement therapy. It's this kind of care and attention to detail that boys and men with hypospadias often need to ensure their emotional wellness is protected - but I suspect few of them get it.