31 year old in the USA

At birth my urethra opened up somewhere around halfway down the penile shaft. I had the usual hooded foreskin as well as some chordee, and a nice groove on the glans where the urethra should have been. There is no twist. As an adult, the chordee is slight but noticeable (I do not know if the chordee was addressed in surgery or if it would have turned out that way naturally).

As a child, once I was aware I was different, it became an issue with me. I remember as a child thinking that I could perhaps poke a hole through the slit where the correct opening should have been and fix the problem myself. The pain quickly discouraged me from that idea. I was very frustrated with why I was different. Kids are not really equipped to deal with this sort of thing without support and encouragement.

My sexual orientation is straight, but I will admit a certain curiosity to this day with the normal penis. That curiosity was exhibited as a child with games of "show me yours and I'll show you mine" with boys my age. The feelings attached to those memories are not of sexual desire, but rather of envy and jealousy towards the normal penis and its owner. As an adult I have still sometimes experienced those same feelings when I’ve seen pictures of normal penises. Like a lot of men with hypospadias, this has sometimes had me confused about my sexual orientation, even though I consider myself “straight”.

After a complete surgical “correction” at the age of twenty two, I became very promiscuous. I thought that if I was a capable sex partner, I’d feel better about myself. I've had many sex partners in my life, but instead of causing me to become more secure and self confident, this behaviour left me needy, insecure and knowing nothing about how to establish intimacy.

Currently I am celibate by choice and am hoping to establish a loving relationship with a woman. I am happy to report that the neediness and insecurity are slowly fading as I establish respectful dating relationships. Even so, in spite of being "corrected", I still often view myself as that little boy with the deformed, "ugly" penis.

My adoptive parents made mistakes in referring to it as my "deformity" and saying that a doctor was going to fix it so that I would be "normal" and be able to have children (of course, this is nonsense – many men with hypospadias have kids, corrected or not). The generation from which they came did not openly discuss such matters as the penis, therefore it was not a topic to be discussed except in the most general terms. We never had a comfortable discussion about it, nor did they ever ask my opinion of how I was feeling about it. Growing up I was told that the reason I was placed up for adoption was because of the hypospadias and that I should consider myself lucky to have a condition that could be hidden. This was so destructive! Instead of feeling that I had an imperfection that others would understand, I grew up believing that I had something shameful to hide. The shame caused me to internalize the blame and increased my focus on the negatives. The penis is such a defining object in masculinity, and when something is wrong with it, boys and men find it very difficult to deal with.

My penis when erect is just over five inches long and the glans has the flattened appearance often associated with hypospadias. I still have slight chordee, and the skin on the shaft is considerably tighter than normal (this has been confirmed by sex partners). The urethral opening is small and tight, with slight scarring on the glans and the coronal ridge. I can urinate with fairly good aim standing up (this is sometimes affected by cold weather) and perform well in intercourse. Ejaculation is normal and I've even gone as far as to have a sperm count done (it’s normal!). I've never tried to have kids yet, but I am glad that I had the sperm count done anyway as it gives me peace of mind.

Sex partners who have heard the full story tell me how good it looks considering what I've been through (five operations). Several have commented that the only obvious difference they notice is that the skin on the shaft is considerably tighter than other penises. Most say they would not have really noticed if I would not have said anything, but I find this doubtful.

I still occasionally have insecurities about how my penis looks in spite of many sexual partners telling me it's perfectly alright! I have often still doubted them. Why I feel the need to measure up to some other standard is beyond me, but insecurity about it has been a big issues for me: sometimes I'm alright with my hypospadias, sometimes I'm not. The biggest factor in reducing my insecurity has been the ability to talk about this with others. This has removed the shame and made it something that is just another accident of nature – one that was not my fault and does not have to be some huge secret. Of course social graces demand that common sense be used in discussing the matter, but I've reached a point where I've been able to discuss it with very close friends (male and female) in general terms that are easy for them to understand.

As a teenager I struggled with a weight problem and as a young adult I struggled with alcohol and drug addiction problems. While I cannot blame those on my hypospadias, I do know that the condition did add fuel to the fire. I've now been sober for almost six years. This is important to the story because I would not have been able to make the behavioural changes necessary to face this problem (admittedly slow progress...even in sobriety) if I had not addressed the addiction issues. Perhaps somebody reading this story has hypospadias (or know someone who does) and will relate to what I've described. If so, then it has been well worth it. It is important for those of us with this condition to know that we are not alone and that others have had amazingly similar feelings and experiences.

I don’t say "you must have an operation", as that is a personal decision each must make for himself. If you do choose to have surgery, then make sure you check the credentials of the surgeon and don't be afraid to ask questions and get references. It may also help to know that you can check the credentials of any doctor in the U.S. through the AMA homepage. Remember also that there is no shame in seeking assistance from a professional counsellor or therapist for emotional problems caused by this condition.